Three pounds of poop per day

That's how much the average Canadian goose creates.

I now know this because three dozen Canadian geese have taken up residence at our cabin at the lake. We found massive quantities of "product" on the dock and shoreline a few days ago when we went down to swim. At first we thought it was the two mallard ducks who have been hanging around since spring. But there's no way Soup and Quackers could produce the volume of poop found down there - no matter how many Cheetos they consumed.

Then I came in from fishing last night and found 72 pairs of eyes blinking back at me from the shoreline as I pulled the boat into the slip. For a moment, nobody moved, each uncertain who was the intruder, they for settling down on my property or me for breaking up an avian slumber party. On the one hand, I was clearly a human and they mere geese. On the other, they seemed to understand they wildly outnumbered me and could, in a pinch, take me if necessary. I decided to bluff before they could form a plan of attack. "Shoo! Git! Beat it, you---" and a string of expletives followed worthy of even the saltiest boatman. They guiltily filed down to the water and slid into the darkness.

Now I have to find out how to keep them from coming back. A google search found that there are chemicals that can be sprayed (around the water? I think not...), a sprinkler with a motion sensor (what's that gonna cost?) or I can get a stuffed coyote. Seems coyotes are natural geese predators and a coyote decoy should do the trick.

Mmm-hmm. Now, where do I find a coyote? Maybe the nice folks at Wal-Mart will let me borrow the one from their ammunition display in sporting goods.

Maybe I can convince them to throw in the mountain lion, too, just for good measure.

We thought that if the dog urinated around the shoreline, that might do the trick as well, since the scent would make them wary of settling down in dog territory. My daughter asked the obvious: "How are you gonna get Zeus to pee in the right place?"

I have no idea.

"Maybe you could catch it in a cup?" she offered helpfully.

"I'm not following the dog around with a pee cup," I replied indignantly.

"You could wear gloves," she added. "Doctors do it all the time."

"And they get paid a ton of money for doing it, but I'm NOT FOLLOWING THE DOG TO CATCH HIS PEE! And besides, the doctor doesn't do it, either. He sends you into the little room with a cup and some directions and you do it yourself and then some nurse whisks it away and nobody follows anybody anywhere!"

I briefly consider asking my husband to manage this task in the middle of the night when everyone on the lake is sleeping. I know what he'll say. Maybe I should pick up some ammunition and let the chips fall where they may.

Or maybe I'll just hook up the garden hose and go clean the dock.